Let me be slow.

For the last couple of times on my therapy, I took my mother on the table. My therapist helped me to realize that I have not ever received the proper care from her - emotional one. Every time she calls, she always speaks about herself. Even if she asks what's up with me, she does not wait for an answer, just starts talking. When I ever needed emotional help, I put her needs ahead of mine. So in order not to upset her, I hide some facts from my life which I wanted her to help me to deal with.

She's always the busiest one, the one with the worst boss on the planet, the most unhappy one. She wants everyone's attention and she gets it. For fuck's sake she stopped talking to my father when he told her they did not have enough money to go for vacation abroad for the 2nd time the same year! She is an emotional vampire.

And now I am constantly angry at her. And I do not know what to do with that feeling. When she texts me, I text her back with single words. Do not call back. Nothing. All of the feelings which I always connected to my mother (guilt, fear of her death, etc.) are still somewhere close, but beneath the anger. I am afraid of speaking to her because I am afraid that she will again only speak about herself and that I will not be very nice to her, and that I will again feel guilty.

But she is my mother. I cannot just get rid of a problem by getting rid of her from my life. I'd do that with anyone else but family, of course. That would be so easy. But she is my mother and on a surface we have a great relationship. She seems to be so carrying and worried and loving. But it is such a bullshit. And this is sooo huge discovery for me. I think that one of the biggest ones to establish the reasons behind my emotional issues....