killing
I have been killed few times recently. Four negative pregnancy tests killed me four times. My colleagues' few recent pregnancies killed me for another few times. That's a lot of killing.
mother
For the last couple of times on my therapy, I took my mother on the table. My therapist helped me to realize that I have not ever received the proper care from her - emotional one. Every time she calls, she always speaks about herself. Even if she asks what's up with me, she does not wait for an answer, just starts talking. When I ever needed emotional help, I put her needs ahead of mine. So in order not to upset her, I hide some facts from my life which I wanted her to help me to deal with.
She's always the busiest one, the one with the worst boss on the planet, the most unhappy one. She wants everyone's attention and she gets it. For fuck's sake she stopped talking to my father when he told her they did not have enough money to go for vacation abroad for the 2nd time the same year! She is an emotional vampire.
And now I am constantly angry at her. And I do not know what to do with that feeling. When she texts me, I text her back with single words. Do not call back. Nothing. All of the feelings which I always connected to my mother (guilt, fear of her death, etc.) are still somewhere close, but beneath the anger. I am afraid of speaking to her because I am afraid that she will again only speak about herself and that I will not be very nice to her, and that I will again feel guilty.
But she is my mother. I cannot just get rid of a problem by getting rid of her from my life. I'd do that with anyone else but family, of course. That would be so easy. But she is my mother and on a surface we have a great relationship. She seems to be so carrying and worried and loving. But it is such a bullshit. And this is sooo huge discovery for me. I think that one of the biggest ones to establish the reasons behind my emotional issues....
my way to slow down
1. Reconnect with my friend. Yes, I have only one friend, but still it is not easy to maintain a relationship in this world and in my life even with that one person.
2. Spend less time in front of my computer, watching TV shows. Instead - read, listen to music, spend time without a monitor.
3. Buy local food, raw ingredients, cook!
4. Have a walk, for christ sake, now and then. I see the world mostly from bus or a car. Use legs!
5. Don't fulfill the empty spots in my life with buying stuff. In most cases, I do not need these things, I am just covering empty spaces.
6. Continue therapy. Simply.
7. Allow people to upset me when they matter. Do not get upset at work. It's not worth it.
8. Have a hobby. Or hobbies. Keep them. Keep knitting, sewing, etc. Just do it.
9. Respect people. Do not assume that their intentions are bad and against me.
10. Do not assume that I need to either win or lose. Life is no war.
To remember
A day off. Hardly.
I had my therapy session today. I went there with war in my head. After the last session 2 weeks ago, I left mad, disappointed, I don't know what else. And I had serious doubts whether I should come back today. I remembered though the words my therapist said on the first visit that every time I would be thinking of leaving therapy or her, as a therapist, I should not do so just like that. Despite that feelings, I should come and talk them through. So despite the fact that all week I was contemplating leaving therapy, or if not therapy, her as a therapist, today I managed to come. For 6 pm. At 6:03 I was already all in tears. Shooting her with my emotions. And realizing that, despite all my doubts and thoughts against, I really need this. I really need to get better and to achieve what I want to achieve.
a journey
And then I tried. But life goes on unexpectedly. After this year I have much more experience, such as antidepressants, wish to quit a job every week, the change of situation at work, my own wedding, quitting meds, starting a therapy, struggling to get pregnant (unsuccessfully so far).
And somehow and somewhere deep, there is still a wish to slow down in me. To live according to this blog's title - life is a journey, not a sprint. And I want this blog to remind me about that.
